How to Recognize Self-Blame and Its Effects

You Are Not Responsible For What Happened to You

Sexual abuse survivors often blame themselves for the trauma they experienced. They believe they had a part to play and that they could have somehow prevented it.

Many sexual abuse survivors blame themselves for what happened. Feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame can lead victims to despair. If you are feeling like this, you are not alone. Hope and healing is possible. Trees of Hope can provide guidance and a safe space for discussing feelings of self-blame.

Recognizing Self-Blame

Self-blame is rooted in lies. Victims will shame themselves into thinking they were “asking for it” or there is something inherently wrong with them that caused the abuse to happen in the first place. They may felt frozen and now blame themselves for not fighting harder. A victim will often believe that if they had done something differently, the abuse would not have happened. 

Victims may be worried about what they “should” or “shouldn’t have” done. They may feel like they led the perpetrator on or they somehow “deserved” the abuse. It is important to note that placing blame, guilt, or shame on yourself is a common response following instances of rape or any form of sexual violence or abuse. However, it's important to recognize that these emotions are widespread but do not necessarily reflect the truth. 

If you are a victim of sexual abuse or violence, remind yourself that the responsibility for the abuse lies with the perpetrator, not with you. Understand that no one deserves or asks for abuse, and the guilt and shame belong to the abuser, not the survivor.

Mourning what Self-Blame has Cost You

What has believing the lie that you were to blame for your abuse cost you? Once you recognize self-blame and start to heal the pain of the abuse, you may find there is a time of mourning as you process how this has affected other areas of your life.

Unhealthy relational patterns may arise from self-blame. A victim may people-please to seek approval, lash out at those who try to get close to them, or even stay hidden in shame. The thought pattern of self-blame may make it difficult to move forward or take appropriate personal or professional risks. Guilt and shame can affect relationships with the opposite sex or even deprive a victim of vocational opportunities. Once you begin to accept self-blame as a lie, you can start to heal the areas tied to those lies. 

Telling Yourself the Truth

Practicing replacing lies with truth can be the first step towards healing. For example, instead of saying, "I shouldn't have been drinking,” you might say, "Having a drink does not give consent to what happened and all the lies about the perpetrator." Instead of believing, "I should have said no or fought back,” say, "I couldn't control how my body reacted to danger, and I froze - it's not my fault." 

When you seek and speak truth, it becomes easier to recognize lies in other areas of your life. You can also begin to accept God’s love and kindness towards you. He does not blame, judge, or punish you for what happened. He loves you deeply, and He wants to heal your heart. He wants to help you replace lies with the truth as you seek Him.

Seeking Support

You need to be listened to and believed by a compassionate and caring community. Seeking support from groups specializing in trauma is crucial. If you’re struggling with self-blame, Trees of Hope offers healing services for survivors, including survivor-led support groups hosted three times a year at partner churches, online and self-paced studies, counseling services, and a monthly podcast featuring mental health experts.

Trees of Hope Shelter Groups create a supportive space where women can share their experiences without fearing judgment. Explore more about our upcoming Healing Groups in South Florida, Melbourne, and Orlando. For those outside these regions, Shelter Online is also available.

For survivors of sexual abuse, trauma-informed therapy is essential for addressing and managing mental health challenges. Trees of Hope has collaborated with Hope Christian Counseling to offer virtual or in-person one-on-one counseling sessions.